This Thing Called Limerence

What Is This Thing Called Limerence?

Dr. Dorothy Tennov coined the term limerence to describe a phenomenon that she observed that is decidedly different from any other term in use. Limerence is not - not - NOT infatuation (although it shares some of the characteristics of that term). Nor is it "puppy love" ... nor any other "love-like" experience.

If this is your first exposure to the term “limerence” ... or if you've cobbled together your own guess at its meaning, based on what you've heard or read, here's what limerence really means, right from "the horse's mouth"--

What Is Limerence? Dr. Tennov's Definition: Limerence is a distinct state that creates that “feeling of being in love”— that state which Hollywood loves to portray as “love”... but limerence is really as far from the genuine article as a zircon is from a true diamond. — Dorothy Tennov A Scientist Looks at Romantic Love and Calls It "Limerence"

Wikipedia, the web's free encyclopedia says,
[Publisher's Note:Extracted from the Wikipedia article "Limerence" under the GNU Free Documentation License.]

Limerence is a state of mind, usually termed “having a crush” ... “infatuation” ... “passionate love” ... “puppy love” ... “romantic love” or “being in love,” but it is important to note that limerence is neither love nor sexual attraction. Love, sexual attraction, and limerence can all exist without each other or any or all of them can coexist together.

Limerence begins as a barely perceptible feeling of increased interest in a particular person (who is known as the "LO" or limerent object) but, if nurtured by appropriate conditions, can grow to enormous intensity. In most cases it also declines, eventually to zero or to a low level. At this low level limerence is either transformed, through reciprocation, or it is transferred to another person — who then becomes the new limerent object.

Under the best of conditions the waning of limerence into mutuality is accompanied by the growth of the emotional response more suitably described as love.

[Dr. Tennov comments—
"But that's the best case for limerence. That may not happen in your particular case."]

Limerence has certain general, basic components:

• ...Intrusive thinking about the "limerent object" (L.O.)
• ...An intensity of feeling for the LO that leaves other concerns in the background
• ...Acute longing for reciprocation
• ...Occasional fleeting relief from unrequited limerence when vividly imagining some reciprocal action by the limerent object
• ...Fear of rejection that leads to an unsettling shyness in the limerent object's presence
• ...Intensification of limerent feelings when rejected by the L.O.
• ...Acute sensitivity to any act, thought, or condition on the part of the LO that could in any way, shape, or form be interpreted favorably
• ...An extraordinary ability to devise or invent "reasonable” explanations to explain or imagine why even neutral actions by the LO are a sign of hidden passion in the LO
• ...An aching in the chest when uncertainty is strong
• ...Buoyancy (a feeling of walking on air) when reciprocation “seems” evident
• ...A remarkable ability to emphasize any trait that is truly admirable in the limerent object
• ...An equally remarkable ability to avoid dwelling on any possible negative trait ... or even to render that negative into another positive attribute
  
  

“But, unlike real love or affection, limerence is all-consuming. Other aspects of the limerent's life—including love— are often sacrificed to this desperate need.” — Dorothy Tennov A Scientist Looks at Romantic Love and Calls It "Limerence"

Limerence is not love, nor is it sexual attraction. Physical attraction plays a key role in the development of limerence, but is not enough to either create or satisfy the limerent desire, and is seldom the main focus. The limerent object, in order to become the limerent object, must be a potential sex partner—that is, the LO must be a person of the limerent's “preferred” sex. However, sex is neither essential to perpetuate limerence, nor adequate to satisfy the limerent need.

The Course of Limerence

For limerence to develop fully, some form of uncertainty or even some threat to reciprocation appears to be necessary. An externally imposed obstacle may also serve, such as societal restraints or parental disapproval.

Limerence becomes more and more intrusive. This is invariably an expectant and often joyous period, as the limerent focuses on the limerent object’s admirable qualities. Under the appropriate blend of hope and uncertainty, limerence intensifies. At its peak, almost all waking thoughts revolve around the limerent object. The limernent reaction may peak for days or weeks, or it may drop and rise again several times before the final decline...

The Wikipedia article says that the final decline ... almost always follows.

The Wikipedia article suggests that
the course of limerence is predictable.
Dr. Tennov disagrees.

Besides, left to run its course, that decline, if it comes at all,

may take a decade or more.

Parting plug -- Dorothy does discuss her latest insights on the course of limerence — based on decades of original research, and supplemented by letters from thousands of limerent sufferers — in her new eBook. Read a sample at my web site. You can support Dorothy's work, and this blog, by ordering her eBook there.

Grand Opening

Welcome to the first post of The Official Limerence Blog.

One might argue, I suppose, that nothing about limerence is "official" -- that it is traditionally rather furtive ... something one keeps secret and locked away. However, in editing this work for Dorothy Tennov -- often reviewing queries, comments, and even pleas sent to her over the years -- I have heard limerents (those "in a state of limerence") crying out for both

1. validation (one limerent began his letter to Dorothy with "Dear Woman Who Has Given Me My Life Back") and ...
   
2. anonymous comraderie ("Oh, I could never share this with anybody ... but I am so glad to know that I'm not alone") ...
   

that a blog for limerents and LO's (or limerent objects, the object -- wanted or unwanted -- of the limerent's affection) ... a blog that includes even family members of L's and LO's, as well as professionals in the field seems like a natural adjunct to Dorothy's book.

On this site, then, I will try to post sample letters written to Dorothy over the years and, when practical, some of her responses. Be assured that all letters posted here are representative composites only -- pasted together with a snippet from one letter and a phrase from another -- with any and all identifying elements removed. If anything herein resembles anything that you have ever written to her ... or to anyone else, be assured that it is only because of the universality of the limerence experience.

In my next post, I'll discuss what we might call "classical limerence" -- how Dorothy coined the word, how she defines it, and some of what it has come to mean (much of the latter being erroneous).

So, welcome to my new venture, and your new adventure. Please add us to your blogging list, post your comments, and check back often. By the way, although my aim in producing this blog is altruistic, you'll see a few blatantly commercial elements -- like an occasional plug for Dorothy's books (such as, read this plug for Dorothy's eBook). Please smile indulgently -- it's how I keep the ship afloat.

-S.